There's only one fat guy that brings us presents and his name ain't Santa.

Look everybody, I would just as soon not make a big deal out of this. I'm not saying I'm not a hero, I'm just saying that I fear for my safety.

Bart: KWYJIBO. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points. Plus triple word score. Plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here. Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is. Bart: Kwyjibo. Ah... a big dumb balding North American ape. With no chin. Marge: And a short temper. Homer: I'll show you a big dumb balding ape! Bart: Uh oh, kwyjibo on the loose!

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart! Are those liquor bottles? Bart: I brought enough for everybody. Mrs. Krabappel: Take those to the teacher's lounge. You can have what's left at the end of the day.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, it's such a nice day today let's have detention outside. Bart: It's a date!

Bart: Is Mr. Freely there? Moe: Who? Bart: Freely. First initials I.P.

Moe: Moe's Tavern. Bart: Hello, is Al there? Moe: Al? Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name Caholic.

Homer: Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect. Lisa: Tough choice. Bart: I'm picking respect.

Bart: Look in my eyes. See the conviction? See the sincerity? See the fear? As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade! Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids.

Lisa: This is a rather shameless promotion. Bart: Hey, it worked on me.

Bart: Hey Martin, tell him what we do with squealers. Martin:  [tied up] I don't know. Is it worse than what you do to people who have to go to the bathroom?

Mrs. Krabappel: What's the matter? Well I would think you'd be used to failing by now. Bart: No, you don't understand! I really tried this time! I mean I really tried. Mrs. Krabappel: There there. Bart: This is as good as I can do! And I still failed! Mrs. Krabappel: Well, a 59. It's a high F. Bart: Who am I kidding? I really am a failure! Oh, now I know how George Washington felt when he surrendered Fort Necessity to the French in 1754.

Part of this d-minus belongs to God.

You throw like my sister, man! Woah. Hey. Cool, man. I can't believe it. You actually found a practical use for geometry. Twelve bucks and a free cookie. What a great country. If you don't watch the violence you'll never get desensitized to it. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous or fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars. With the following exceptions: the American Revolution, World War II and Star Wars trilogy. Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken.

Marge: Oh Bart, we thought for a minute you'd gone away from us. Bart: I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away! Writhing in agony in the pits of Hell! And you were there, and you and you and you... [seeing Lionel Hutz] You I've never seen before.

Bart: We came to talk to you about your son. Rabbi Krustofski: I have no son! [he slams the door] Bart: Oh great. We came all this way and it's the wrong guy. Rabbi Krustofski: I didn't mean that literally!

Bart: Rabbi, did not a great man say, and I quote, "The Jews are a swinging bunch of people. I mean, I've heard of persecution but what they went through is ridiculous. But the great thing is, after thousands of years of waiting and holding on and fighting, they finally made it." End quote. Rabbi Krustofski: Oh, I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently. Who said that? Rabbi Hillel? Bart: No. Rabbi Krustofski: It was Judah the Pious. Bart: No. Rabbi Krustofski: Maimonides. Bart: No. Rabbi Krustofski: Oh, I got it. The Dead Sea Scrolls! Bart: I'm afraid not, Rabbi. It's from Yes I Can by Sammy Davis, Jr. An entertainer. Like your son. Rabbi Krustofski: The Candy Man?

Bart: You make me sick, Homer. You're the one that told me I could do anything if I just put my mind to it. Homer: Well now that you're a little bit older I can tell you that's a crock. No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you. Bart: Gotcha. Can't win, don't try.

Bart: How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey type creature? Mrs. Krabappel: I'm sorry, That would be playing God. Bart: God shmod. I want my monkey man!

Milhouse, we're living in the age of cooties. I can't believe the risk you're running.

Lisa: This award is the biggest farce I ever saw! Bart: What about the Emmys? Lisa: I stand corrected.

Herb: Now I bet you're all wondering what lies under this sheet! Bart: Not really. We peeked inside when you were in the john.

Bart: Don't we get to roast marshmallows? Kearney: Shut up and eat your pinecone!

Alright, that's it. I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins. My Krusty Kalculator didn't have a seven or an eight. And Krusty's autobiography was self-serving, with many glaring omissions. But this time, he's gone too far! [refering to zombies] They prefer to be called the living impaired. I'd say that the pressure's finally gotten to dad, but, what pressure? I thought dabbling in the Black Arts would be good for a chuckle. How wrong I was. You don't want to know how far I'll go. Okay. We're young, rich and full of sugar. What do we do?

Bart: Wow, she can fly! Lisa: I think it's supposed to symbolize her descent into madness.

[With the church doors frozen shut, Lisa starts praying] Bart: Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place.

Bart: Grampa, why don't you tell us a story. You've led an interesting life. Grampa: That's a lie and you know it! But I have seen a lot of movies...

Bart: I've got a story so scary you'll wet your pants. Grampa: Too late.

As usual, a knife-wielding maniac has shown us the way.

Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, have you ever read The Boy Who Cried Wolf? Bart: I'm halfway through it, I swear!

Can't sleep, clown will eat me. Can't sleep, clown will eat me.

Oh don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight year military build-up.

Homer: Hey boy, where are you going? Bart: Father son picnic. Homer: Have a good time. [pause] Wait a minute.

Lisa: That's as bad as the tasteless Itchy and Sambo cartoons of the late 30s. The writers should be ashamed of themselves. Bart: Cartoons have writers? Lisa: Yeah. Sort of.

Lisa: Bart are you thinking what I'm thinking? Bart: | Probably not.

Homer: Hey kids, how was school? Lisa: I learned how many drams in a penny weight. Bart: I got expelled. Homer: That's my boy!

Don't worry, Mom. I'll bust you out of there just as soon as I get a cocktail dress and a crowbar.

We flushed the gator down the toilet but it got stuck halfway so now we have to feed it.

I know, I'll just do like Lisa and escape into fantasy. {it doesn't work} Damn TV, you've ruined my imagination! Just like you've ruined my ability to, ah...

I really don't want to be here, Dad! Besides, I started a fire this morning that I really should keep an eye on.

Woah! That's good Squishee. I never thought I'd say this, but shouldn't we be learning something? What's done is done. I've made my bed and now I've got to weasel out of it. What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus? Well no offense, lady, but what you don't know could fill a warehouse. It's just hard not to listen to TV. It's spent so much more time raising us than you have. Oh please. This is senseless destruction with none of my usual social commentary.

Principal Skinner: One question remains: how do I get out of the army? Bart: No problemo. Just make a pass at your commanding officer.

Oh my god! The dead have risen and they're voting Republican!

Jessica, I don't think we should hang out anymore. You're turning me into a criminal when all I want to be is a petty thug.

Bart: What's really amazing is that this is exactly what Dad said would happen. Lisa: Yeah, Dad was right. Homer: I know, kids. I'm scared too.

Bart: Hey guys, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia. Homer: Pfft. That's no reason to block the TV.

Bart: Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team. But he never wants to play anymore since his bitch moved in. Marge: Bart! Don't ever say that word again! Bart: Well that's what she is. I looked it up. Marge: Well I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked.

Come on, Milhouse. There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids. Like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson. You don't win friends with salad! Well we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But Dad seemed cautiously optimistic. Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ. George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess. Grampa! I don't mind when you spit at home, but I have to work with these people. Ah! The old Greet 'n' Toss. No problemo.

Hey Mr. Burns, can I go with you to get the treasure? I won't eat much and I don't know the difference between right and wrong.

Mom, when you give that lecture, you're boring Springfield.

Teacher: So, you never learned cursive? Bart: Well I know hell and damn and bi— Teacher: Cursive handwriting. Script. Do you know multiplication tables? Long division? Bart: I know of them.

If there's a bad bookkeeping joke, I haven't heard it.

Reverend Lovejoy: Friday you will have the chance to party down in the church basement to the decent rock stylings of Testament. Bart: Pfft! All the best bands are affiliated with Satan.

Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilon: Surely you children are aware of your Brahman heritage. Bart: As long as you have absolutely no follow-up questions, yes. Yes, we are. Lisa: Fully.

Why are we getting dressed up, Mom? Are we going to Black Angus?

It's craptacular.

What's everyone's problem? I'm glad we're stranded. It'll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson. Only with more cursing. We're gonna live like kings. Damn hell ass kings!

Why do I need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.

Bart: Wait a minute. So this means I'm going to be a failure? Homer: Yes son. A spectacular failure.

Bart: Come on, Ralph, your dad's a cop. There must be some cool stuff around here. Bullets, dead body photos, what-have-you. Ralph: He keeps that stuff in his closet, but he says I'm not allowed in there. Bart: Did he say I'm not allowed in there? Ralph: Yes.

Bart: I pick my dad. Nelson: Him? Bart: You'd be surprised. He gets pretty competitive when he's been drinking.

Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?

Mom, can we go Catholic so we get Communion wafers and booze?

I think I read somewhere that cows like being killed.

I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

Bart: Are you sure this is art, not vandalism? Homer: That's for the courts to decide, son.

Goodbye Japan! I'll missing your Kentucky Fried Chicken and your sparkling whale-free seas.

They'll never believe a Simpson killed a Flanders by accident. Even I have my doubts.

Zorro: I am Zorro. I have come to return King Arthur to the throne. Bart: It's a history lesson come to live. Lisa: No it isn't! It's totally inaccurate. Bart: Quiet. Here come the ninjas.

Bart: You know what our homework is? Find a toy and bring it to class. Marge: Boy, that sounds fun. Bart: I know! But I'm still not gonna do it.

Bart: You're watching PBS? Homer: Hey, I'm as surprised as you.

Principal Skinner: Bart, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's pretending things didn't happened. And I think this is one of those. Bart: One of which? Principal Skinner: Exactly. Bart: No, seriously. I wasn't listening.

Ice cream in church? I'm intrigued, yet suspicious.

You haven't seen the real Homer. It's all burping and neglect.

Lis, women are easy. State capitols are hard.

Are you crazy? I can't believe a play where everybody gets murdered could be so boring.

Bart: Dad! I can't believe you're putting my life at risk to save your own. Homer: You'll understand one day when you have kids.

Bart: At last, the planes are flying where they belong. Homer: That's right. Over the homes of poor people.

Bart: All that's left for me is to become the biggest drunk this town's ever seen. Homer: Talkin' won't get you there.

Bart: Please. Make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times. Mrs. Krabappel: We all got tired of that chalkboard years ago.

Lisa: The mound builders worshiped turtles as well as badgers, snakes and other animals. Bart: Thank god we've come to our senses and worship a carpenter that died 2,000 years ago.

This prank is my Sgt. Pepper's.

Ah cartoons. America's only native art form. I don't count jazz 'cause it sucks.

Marge: Shame on you two creeps! Bart: It's your fault for giving birth to my archenemy. Lisa: At least I was planned! Marge: Stop it! No one was planned.

Homer: Son, seeing sappy movies with a lady has certain payoffs. Bart: Like what? They'll do something with you that they hate? Homer: Exactly.

Bart: Am I the only one here who's in horrible pain? Homer: You're the only one who won't shut up about it!

I know what we can ask Jeeves. Why does he suck. I feel like something crawled inside me a took a crap. I've learned that even made-up corporate shills can lie to you. The Tooth Fairy's made a donation in my name to the United Way. That gossamer witch! My heart, it hurts so much. Like it's caught in a vise! What do those women expect? When you sign a contract with FOX you know you're going to be betrayed and humiliated. Stupid Catholic school. Suffering for my hip attitude. I'm the real Jesus here. Thank you, Satan!

Don't have a cow, man.

Bart: Those TV writers are geniuses. Milhouse: Whatever they're paid, it's not enough.

Lisa: If you don't tell Mom what you did, I will. Bart: Oh come on. wouldn't it be easier if our parents divorced and you compensated by marrying much older men. Meanwhile I'll be one of those weird guys who's thirty-five and shows up at high school basketball games.

Robot: Tell me, young man, what is it like to have feelings? Bart: I said I'm human, not a girl.

Bart: No fair! Dad gets to shoot wild animals. But I kill one bird and I have to go to a psychiatrist. Marge: Mm. He still thinks that hobo was a bird.

Lisa: They're tearing down the pier! Bart: But what will junkies do drugs under? Homer: They'll bounce back, son. They're a strong people.

Eat my shorts!

Bart: Dad, if you take me to Vegas I'll teach you how to cheat at blackjack. Homer: Boy, you don't need to cheat when you've got a system. Bart: What's your system? Homer: I don't tell your mother how much I've lost.

Uh oh. Girls. You guys need your cooties shots.

This is it. They're selling us for crash test dummies.

Bart: Where's the old carefree Homer that likes to cut loose? Homer: You mean Fun Homer? I'm afraid Serious Homer has him locked up 'til you're at your snooty torture camp.

Pilot: Welcome to Atlanta. Please keep your seatbelt fastened until we have come to a complete stop. Bart: Nobody tells Bart Simpson what to do! [unfastens seat belt] Pilot: Thanks a lot, 38C. Now we all have to go back to Minneapolis. And I'm very tired.

Bart: No one with a choice should ever have to be a girl. I'll teach you how to be a boy. Lisa: You would do that for me? That is so sweet. Bart: You're a boy. Nothing is sweet. [kicks Lisa in the leg] Lisa: Ow! That hurt. Bart: Sweet.

Bart: Dad, isn't it wrong to open and/or eat other people's mail? Homer: Son, all our mail has ever brought me is bad news. Bills, jury duty, Entertainment Weekly...

Bart: So according to Creationism, there were no cavemen. Homer: Good riddance! Their drawings suck and they look like hippies.

Woah. Even the Army has Humvees now. Can't you read my writing? I didn't say "kick Homer's walls." I was a great drummer, and now I'm nothing! Just like Phil Collins. Look at me! I'm Otto! I'm a hundred years old and I drive a school bus. Cool. I'm a street. Trick or Treat isn't just some phrase you chant mindlessly like The Lord's Prayer. It's an oral contract. I'm not a nerd. I'm a jock who's too cool for sports.

Do you think I'm telling people not to have a cow because deep down I want them to have a cow?

Bart: Mom, I can't go. No one else is. Marge: Well if no one else jumped off the Empire State building, would you not jump?

Marge: Sweetie, if someone's bullying you, you should tell your teacher. Bart: But it's the teacher who's bullying me. Marge: Well tell your regular bully. He won't like it one bit.

Darcy: Wow. You really are ten. I thought you were just kinda stupid. Bart: I'm ten and stupid.

Darcy: I wanted you to marry me so my baby would have a dad. I'm very religious that way. Bart: How religious can you be if you're pregnant? [she slaps him] Good answer.

Homer: Hey, for old times sake, do you want to drive me around while I sing public domain songs out the window? Bart: You got it!

Marge: Bart, this is all we can afford for now. If it doesn't work maybe when you're an adult you can pay some lady to make you happy for an hour. Bart: You know, I think I will.

Homer: Our kids used to be so cute. Bart: Used to?! Homer: Oh deal with it.

Bart: Jumpin' Johnnycakes. Those dames are cheesed. Homer: Son, I'll never understand women if I live to be forty. Bart: Big "if". Homer: You said it. Enjoy me while I last.

Milhouse: You're gonna depreciate a mafia don's car? Bart: Hey, we're all gonna be murdered some day.

Milhouse: Do you think bugs feel pain? Bart: If they don't, I've wasted a lot of my life.

Hey, I didn't get where I am putting tops on things.

Dad. You blew it. You listened to Lisa and then you lost your stranglehold on the audience.

Wagon Wheel Maker: Wagon wheels were the internet of the nineteenth century! Bart: Really? Wagon Wheel Maker: No.

Oh man. It's like some chemicals cut one.

Jack: Chloe, I need those schematics now. Bart: [on the phone] What? Who is this? Jack: I'm Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you? Bart: Me? Uh. I'm ... Ahmed A. Dooty. Jack: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed A. Dooty. Does anyone there know Ahmed A. Dooty? Chloe: Ahmed A. Dooty. Wealthy Saudi financier disappeared into Afghanistan in the late 90s. Jack: Really? Chloe: No, Jack. It's a joke name. You're being set up. Jack: Dammit!

Bart: Lisa, are you on a secure line? Lisa: I am. But you're on a Bluetooth cellphone, the most vulnerable device known to man. Bart: But it looks so cool!

Bart: Dad, you were great! Lisa: And you contributed to our culture. Homer: I didn't mean to. Lisa: No no, it's a good thing. Homer: Oh good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance. Lisa: The dance isn't until next week. Homer: | Sorry, Lisa. You can't change the future.

We can say these swears anytime we want because they're in the Bible.

Bart: He died as he lived. As a dork! Flanders: No! The lesson here is he's being punished for thinking women are beautiful!

Bart: Why do all your bedtime stories have commercials in them for the Container Store? Homer: Because if I do it enough maybe they'll start to pay me.

Milhouse has gone from being a comic figure to a tragic one.

The Constitution? I'm pretty sure the Patriot Act killed it to ensure our freedoms.

Whatcha doin', mom? Going crazy?

Woah, you don't look like a mom. You look happy.

Bart: Hey, I didn't know this park was here. Lisa: You wrote a report on it last week. Bart: The internet wrote it. I just handed it in.

Homer: Son, while your mother and little mother are out I'm going to let you in on a deep dark family secret. Bart: You got a drinking problem? Homer: I said "secret".

Beef jerky? The queen of all the jerkys!

Bart: So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take? Homer: That's right. Bart: But Wikipedia said he was passionate about rehearsal! Homer: Don't you worry about Wikipedia. We'll change it when we get home. [menacingly] We'll change a lot of things.

Mom, they're going to kill Lou and make him into food and fringe vests for gay cowboys!

I knew you were lame, but I never imagined you were bogus.

Stupid angry mob, chasing me because I shine a harsh light on modern society. Now I know how Dane Cook feels.

Marge: How about a family outing? Bart: A family outing? I'll start. Lisa's gay!

Excuse me, I just heard that before Spider-man was a movie, it was a comic book. Could that be possible?

Bookstores don't have answers. They just have creepy guys sitting in easy chairs at the end of aisleways.

Hm. Wait a minute. Are there spring snakes in this can?

How could someone so much like me be a loser?

Dad! Lisa's making me see things from both sides again!

No no no. You're too young to be a witch. Savor the steps leading up to it. College anorexic, string of bad marriages, career disappointments, failed pottery shop. And then when you're old and alone you can hit the witch thing hard.

Marge: Look how the snow glistens on the tiniest branches! Bart: Yeah yeah. Miracles are all around us.

Alright, I'll watch a DVD. There's no way that runs on electrictity.

Maybe Mrs. K would be nicer if we "Irish up" her coffee.

Look Mrs. K. I'm a Simpson. And a Simpson never gives up until he tries at least one easy thing.

Bart: Oh my god, I want a brother! Lisa: You can have mine, but he's kind of an idiot.

Bart: Dad, I want a baby brother. Homer: Son, I love you kids. But I'm only going to the hospital one more time in my life and I ain't coming out.

Homer: And I don't have to tell girls how their bodies work because I don't know. Bart: You never told me how my body works. Homer: Point and shoot.

Lisa: Bart, I'm losing my grip. Bart: Put the rope in your teeth. Lisa: What will that do? Bart: It'll shut you up.

Willie: Well done, boy! Bart: Wait. Here comes the mykia. Willie: What's a mykia? [the stump falls on Skinner's car] Skinner: My Kia!

Lisa: Congratulations. You're officially a sociopath. Bart: Hey, at least I'm on a path.

Oh man you girls ruin everything. Even vampires.

This is awesome! If only real life was in 3D.

Blond guys aren't dumb. They're evil. Like in Karate Kid or World War II.

Homer: Hey boy, whatcha doing? Bart: Experimenting with my butt. Homer: Heh heh heh. My little Einstein.

Homer: No fair. We just went to church. Bart: Yeah, so we've already heard stories from thousands of years ago about stuff that didn't happen.

Lisa: Hot streaks are a statistical illusion! Bart: I wish you were a statistical illusion.

There comes a time to beat the crap out of childish things.

Look, I know you're cool now, but my dad hates you more than celery and my mom said no new pets. So I'm hiding you in my room.

Just what is it in my long, sad history with frogs makes you think I can take care of a bird?

Bart: Listen here, Kringle, I may have been naughty this year. But by today's standards, naughty's nothing. I didn't get anybody pregnant, I didn't Facebook a kid to death. Make with my dirt bike! Santa Krusty: Kid, this company's bust. For years I've been giving out toys and getting cookies in return. It's not a sustainable business model.

Martha Stewart: You boys want to play soldier? Bart: I can't think of a better way to spend Jesus' birthday.

Ah, such an innocent time. Before cooties ravaged our community.

All right, Comic Book Guy. Tell me my origin story.

What am I doing here, Seymour? The thing I'm planning hasn't even gone off yet. [Willie falls into a pit]. That wasn't me and you're my alibi.

Bart: That's Angry Dad! The semi-autobiographical web cartoon I created! Homer: I legally forced him to say "semi."

Bart: My stupid cartoon? A movie? Thank you! Herman Milgood: Oh, don't thank me. Thank Hollywood for being completely out of good ideas.

Homer: When you get anything you want, you don't want anything you get. Bart: What is this crap? Are you wearing a wire?

Bart: Who the hell are Cheech and Chong? Homer: Bart! Cheech and Chong were the Beavis and Butthead of their day. Bart: Who are Beavis and Butthead? Homer: I've failed as a parent. I swore the day my son was born he would appreciate stoner comedy. To the media room!

Maybe this key will be the key to putting the "key" in anarchy.

Bart: If fairytales have taught us one thing it's that first wives are perfect and second wives are horrible. Homer: Just the opposite of real life.

Chalmers: Now I'm sure you know who these guys are. Bart: Dollar bill guy. Five dollar bill guy. Sex guy. Will Farrell. Black guy. Chalmers: Bart, what if I told you there was a president who was an actual cowboy? Bart: I'd act like I'm interested. But inside I'd be bored. Chalmers: That's as good a place to start as any.

You've filled my head with horse poop and atheism! And all these years I thought I was unteachable.

TV Announcer: So remember: take good care of the Earth. Or we could suffer the same fate as the dinosaurs. Marge: Oo, kids, did you hear that lesson? Bart: How is that a lesson? The point of the dinosaurs is, no matter what we do, an asteroid's going to wipe us out. So we should party hard and wreck the place.

Marge: So what was everyone's favorite thing at the museum? Lisa: I liked the knowledgeable docents. Bart: I liked the early closing time.

Who cares what we look like in whatever stupid year this is.

Bart: From now on I'll dominate you in ways you don't realize. Milhouse: That's all I ever wanted.

No way, man. I'm a free range kid.

Man, you're the talkiest bullies I ever met.

Bart: I can't believe you got all your friends in trouble and you got the day off. Homer: Hey, it's called karma. Bart: Isn't karma where if you do something bad, bad things happen to you? Homer: Heh heh heh. A common misconception. [he catches a fish] Suck it, karma! Yeah! I'm talking to you, karma. Karma's a bitch, karma!

Whatever the job is, I'm not interested.

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