AV CLUB HUMOR DEPARTMENT

Actual Labels found on actual products. Keeping the World Safe for the idiots among us...

Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.

- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

Do not use in shower.

- On a hair dryer.

Do not use while sleeping.

- On another hair dryer.

Optional modem required.

- On a computer software package

Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit.

- The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns.

In a US guide to setting up a new computer...

TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.

(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.

- In a car manual.

Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator.

- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.

NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

- On a blanket from Taiwan

For external use only! Warning: This product can burn eyes.

- On a curling iron.

THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS

- On a New Zealand insect spray

The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position

- Instructions for an espresso kettle

Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case. Materials: Covering: 100% Unknown. Stuffing: 100% Unknown.

- On a pillow.

Do not use house paint on face.

- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.

Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.

- On the packaging for a wristwatch.

Warning: May contain nuts.

- On a package of peanuts.

Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

- On a sign at a railroad station.

Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.

- On a box of rat poison

May be harmful if swallowed.

- On a shipment of hammers.

Fragile. Do not drop.

- Posted on a Boeing 757.

Remove the plastic wrapper.

- The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch.

Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

- On a child sized Superman costume.

Warning: May cause drowsiness.

- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

Product will be hot after heating.

- On a supermarket dessert box.

Fits one head.

- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.

Do not turn upside down.

- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.

NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

- On a Japanese food processor

100% pure yarn.

- On a sweater.

Open packet. Eat contents.

- Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts.

In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly.

- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.

Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat.

- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.

Do not eat toner.

- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.

Do not use while sleeping or unconscious.

- On a hand-held massaging device.

Please keep out of children.

- On a butcher knife.

Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.

- On the label of a bottled drink.

Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft.

- In the manual for a jetski.

Not for weight control.

- On a pack of Breath Savers.

This product is not to be used in bathrooms.

- On a Holmes bathroom heater.

For use by trained personnel only.

- On a can of air freshener.

Do not use orally.

- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

For use on animals only.

- On an electric cattle prod.

Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks.

- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.

Do not use for drying pets.

- In the manual for a microwave oven.

Caution: Hot beverages are hot!

- On a coffee cup.

Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.

- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.

Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.

- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Always drive on roads. Not on people.

- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.

Warning: Do not use on eyes.

- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.

Warning: May contain small parts.

- On a frisbee.

Malfunction: Too less water.

- A notice left on a coffee machine.

Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage.

- On a portable stroller.

Not for human consumption.

- On a package of dice

Look before driving.

- On the dash board of a mail truck.

No small children.

- On a laundromat triple washer.

Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers.

- From a manual for an SGI computer.

Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.

- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

These rows reserved for parents with children.

- A sign in a church.

Not dishwasher safe.

- On a remote control for a TV.

Do not put lit candles on phone.

- On the instructions for a cordless phone.

Not to be used as a personal flotation device.

- On a 6 x 10 inch inflatable picture frame.

Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants.

- On a bag of cat biscuits.

LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

- On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids.

USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

- On a Taiwanese shampoo

Use like regular soap.

- On a bar of Dial soap.

Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.

- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

Caution: This is not a safety protective device.

- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.

Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems.

- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.

Do not use intimately.

- On a tube of deodorant.

Do not look into laser with remaining eye.

- On a laser pointer.

Remove plastic before eating.

- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

Take care: new non-slip surface.

- On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that at the entrance of a building.

Serving suggestion: Defrost.

- On a Swann frozen dinner.

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

- On a bag of Fritos.

Not intended for highway use.

- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.

AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

- On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink

Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.

- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.

Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death.

- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

- On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding

Do not use as ear plugs.

- On a package of silly putty.

Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.

- On a battery.

Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.

- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."

This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

- On an electric rotary tool.

Caution: Do not spray in eyes.

- On a container of underarm deodorant.

Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone.

- On a box of pills.

(Where else would you put it? Don't ask.)

Do not iron clothes on body.

- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

Instructions: usage known.

-- Instructions on a can of black pepper.

Do not put in mouth.

- On a box of bottle rockets.

OPEN OTHER END.

- In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles.

Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame.

- On a lighter.

Do not drive with sunshield in place.

- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.

For indoor or outdoor use only.

- On a string of Christmas lights.

Do not eat.

- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

For a limited time only.

- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.

Do not drive cars in ocean.

- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.

Drivers do not carry burritos.

- Warning label on a Chipotle truck.

Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand.

- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

Safe for use around pets.

- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.

No stopping or standing.

- A sign at bus stops everywhere.

For lifting purposes only.

- On the box for a car jack.

Do not use orally after using rectally.

- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

Cannot be made non-poisonous.

- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.

It should not be used for signing checks or any legal documents.

- On a "vanishing ink" marker.

This product may contain eggs.

- On a carton of eggs.

Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher.

- On a dishwasher.

May irritate eyes.

- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

Warning: knives are sharp!

- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.

This product moves when used.

- On a a Razor scooter.

Safety goggles recommended.

- On a letter opener.

May cause drowsiness. Use care when operating a car.

- On a bottle of dog medication.

Harmful if swallowed.

- On a brass fishing hook.

Risk of fire.

- On a package of fireplace logs.

Avoid pouring on the crotch area.

- On a takeout coffee cup.

Do not eat iPod Shuffle.

- On Apple’s website.

Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball.

- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.

ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES

Remember Kids, Happy Fun Ball is still legal in 16 states!

Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball.

Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.

Happy Fun Ball Contains a liquid core which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete. Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:

Itching Vertigo Dizziness Tingling in extremities Loss of balance or coordination Slurred speech Temporary Blindness Profuse sweating Heart Palpitations

If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head. Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin. When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration. Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability. Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space. Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.

- This on is not real, it's from a Saturday Night Live Sketch