AV CLUB HUMOR DEPARTMENT

Percy Dovetonsils was an "artiste" and "poet laureate" who is best remembered for appearing on various Ernie Kovacs' TV programs in the 1950s. Percy's segments were always introduced with a sweeping flourish of harp music and he would appear seated in a chair wearing a zebra-patterned smoking jacket, and reading from an oversize book lying open in his lap. Although his performance might be considered politically incorrect today, it was clear that Percy was thoroughly comfortable with himself, from his weirdly slicked hair (including two carefully placed spit-curls on his forehead) and extraordinarily thick eyeglasses that appeared to have eyes painted on the backsides of the lenses. Percy would address the audience in a syrupy lisp and read his poems out of the book while sipping from a martini glass (which often had a daisy for a swizzle stick) and/or smoking through a long cigarette holder.

"He's a beautiful soul who hasn't quite made it over the line into this rude, virile world."

- Ernie Kovacs

ODE TO A HOUSEFLY Philosophical Ruminations on a Beastie in the Booze By Percy Dovetonsils

Oh, hail to thee, tiny insect so small, Swimming around in my bourbon highball. Back-stroking, breast-stroking, movement of wing, Now up on the ice cube, poor cold little thing. If you stay there too long, you'll find with remorse, Your ankles will numb and your buzz will get hoarse. Catching cold is unpleasant for all little flies, Bloodshot is gruesome for multiprism eyes. Some people hate flies, take my old Cousin Sam, He gets in a snit when you sit in his jam. I've seen sister Sally turn red as a beet When you walk on her nose with your six sticky feet. When you walk on the ceiling, your brow seems to frown, Does blood go to your head, when you stand upside down? My optometrist friend, a dear boy named Rex, Makes bifocals for flies - he calls them fly specs. Now you're coughing because you are so full of trouble, Or is it the bourbon that's making you bubble? You should get off the ice, the temperature's minus, You'll get frost in your navel and a wee touch of sinus.

I'm so sick of dieting By Percy Dovetonsils

I'm so sick of dieting I really feel bombastic. There's candy without sugar, Rolls without butter, and lard that's made of plastic. It's the lowering of calories I've really grown to hate they're so low now they're shoved in under the plate. Oh Suzette's were made for crepe-ing and ice cream is to be caked. Hawaii is great for vacation, but Alaska was made to be baked.

O' Some Times I Wish I Were a Dog By Percy Dovetonsils

O' sometimes I wish I were a dog, A Boxer or Cocker Spaniel Or perhaps a German Spitz, Or maybe a Chihuahua named Manuel. I met a girl named Doberman An without a doubt it's cinch, her Figures the greatest I've ever seen Now I wish I were a Doberman Pinch-her.

Autumn By Percy Dovetonsils

Oh Adam and Eve wore fig leaves, In the earliest of earth's known years They wore them through Spring and through Summer, Labeling them his and hers. They caught dreadful colds though, soon after, At least historians so recall. The fig leaves were swell in the summer, But what happened to those leaves in the fall ?

Ode from a Germ's Eye Viewpoint By Percy Dovetonsils

As a germ I'm smaller than the flea. For I can see you, But you can't see me. My mother is in pictures, You've seen her on the screen. She gave chicken pox to Allan Ladd And mumps to Bobby Breen. But my sister is at Vassar, At sports she's really a dream. Last week they made her captain Of the Streptococci-team.

Mona Lisa By Percy Dovetonsils

Mona Lisa you always smile Like Heather up on the heath. How come you never laugh out loud, Could be you have bad teeth.?

The Moon By Percy Dovetonsils

The moon is full of craters It has some mountains too, But because there are no people, No one goes to the Zoo.

Leslie the Mean Animal Trainer By Percy Dovetonsils

Leslie worked in a circus he worked in a great big cage. He smacked the lions and beat the bears and put them all in a rage. He kicked the lions with iron sneakers and rolled up army cots. He put cleaning fluid on all the leopards and sneered when they lost their spots. But a chimpanzee got even with him... Leslie got killed by some smells, when he stuck his head the lion's mouth He had liver smeared on his lapels.

Beautiful Dreamer By Percy Dovetonsils

Beautiful dreamer your fun never stops but put out the butt now because here comes the cops.

Cowboy By Percy Dovetonsils

O cowboy so lean, O cowboy so tall, You sit there straight as an arrow. But side-saddle you ride, Instead of astride. Are you perhaps a gay ranchero?

Ode to a Bookworm By Percy Dovetonsils

Oh hail to thee thou streamlined fellow, You go through my books like A fork goes through Jell-O. When I open a book and Look back at the binding, Little crumbs from your lunch Always I'm finding. I saw you first, so trim and so spruce, As you gummed a few pages out of my mother goose. You browsed though my shelves, In your eye was a twinkle, As you ate the first chapter of old Rip Van Winkle. The next time I saw you I was so miffed. You ate off the ending of inventor Tom Swift You made little bites so round and so tidy, All over the back of my copy of Heidi. And then you reached manhood, I recall with some pain When you first bit your way into Mickey Spillane. You ate chapter 1 and then began rushing, On chapter 13 I noticed you blushing. As the years pass on by you continue to munch, You were big enough then to eat Ivanhoe for lunch. Then you ate Lawrence of Arabia, I heard your loud sigh, As you lay gasping for water - the book was so dry. Today is your birthday, may you live good and long, So the night will be filled with your nibbling song. Now you can eat my presents from the back to the front For today I've enrolled you in the "Book of the Month."