If I'm not back at the home by nine they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance!

Grampa: I hated the Roosevelts and all them family dynasties. The Kennedys, the Bushes, John Voigt and Angelina Jolie, Mayor Daly and his smart-ass son, The Daily Show. Lisa: That's a lot of anger, Grampa. Grampa: Well I like Stephen Colbert. But that's because I don't get the joke.

Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels.

You know, I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children.

She did things you mother would never do. Like have sex for money.

A millionaire! Oh, I kept the wrong one. Look son, I'll come as soon as I can get out of here. In the mean time, please don't do anything stupid.

Marge: Grampa, could you do something? Grampa: I can dress myself. Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear? Grampa: No, you're homely as a mule's butt! Maggie, your babysitters here. What's that mean? Ohhh, you must be sick! Lets see, what's old doc Washburn prescribe? Do you have dropsy? The grip? Scrofula? The vapors? Jungle rot? Dandy fever? Poor man's gout? Housemaid's knee? Climatic boo bow? The staggers? Dum dum fever? Hey, they're playing the elephant song! Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.

Grampa: Hey, the dogs dead. Bart: Grampa, he's not dead. Homer: Dad, you shouldn't say the Dog's dead when he's not. Lisa: It's not fair to toy with peoples emotions like that. Grampa: He is dead. I'll get a shovel. Marge: Well he's not dead but he is awfully sick. Grampa: Oh sure, the old man's off his rocker. If Grampa says he's dead he must be alive. Lisa: He is alive, he's wagging his tail. Grampa: That's only nothing. Dogs wag their tails for hours after they die. I'm tired of this conversation. Let's talk about something else. I'm going home.

Grampa: Happy birthday, Bart. Bart: Thanks, Grampa. Marge: Where'd you get all the money? Grampa: The government. I didn't earn it, I don't need it, but if they miss one payment, I'll raise hell!

Lisa, I'm glad you came. I know you younguns think we old timers aren't any fun, but we'll show em. We'll show em all ah hahaha! [he falls asleep]

Grampa: That doll is evil, I tells ya. Evil! Eeeeviiilllll! Marge: Grampa, you said that about all the presents. Grampa: I just want attention.

Bart: Nice try, Mr. Flanders, but I've got a story so scary you'll wet your pants! Grampa: Too late.

Grampa: Good news boy, I found a pharmacy that carries leeches. Well, it wasn't exactly a pharmacy, more of a bait shop. Bart: Look Grampa, I'm fine. I really don't need anymore home remedies. Grampa: Oral thermometer my eye! Think warm thoughts boy cause this is mighty cold.

Homer: Get out of here you lousy... season. Grampa: Alright I'm going. It's cold and my head hurts.

They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an up side to it!

We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I took the fairy to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. Give me five bees for a quarter you'd say. Now where were we, oh ya. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because if the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.

Grampa: Poor Homer, this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you. [Homer foams at the mouth and starts to drool] Grampa: Ahh! Kill it! Kill it! Marge: Grampa, please, he's in a coma. Grampa: Coma pffft, why I go in and out of comas all the... [slips into a coma] French toast please. Lisa: Is a coma painful? Grampa: Oh, heck no. You get to relive long lost summers, kiss girls from high school. It's kinda like one of those TV shows where they show a bunch of clips from old episodes.

When I read your magazine I don't see one wrinkled face or single toothless grin. For shame! To the sickos at at Modern Bride magazine.

Bart: Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing? Grampa: I figured because the democrats were in power again. I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock. Ooh, it's on now! I'll join! I'm filled with piss and vinegar. At first I was just filled with vinegar. Thank you for this award. It is a tribute to this great country that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust. Let's sacrifice him to our god! Come on, we did it all the time in the thirties.

Grampa: Alright, lets see, first name, first name. Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answers to all the important questions. Call me Abraham Simpson. Lisa: Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants? Grampa: I don't know!

Grampa: I got separated from my platoon after we parachuted into Duseldorf so I rode out the rest of the war posing as a German cabaret singer. [singing] Won't you come home Frantbrelda, won't you come home. Bart: Is that story true Grampa? Grampa: Most of it. I did wear a dress for a period in the 40s. Oh, they had designers then.

Bart: Yo, Grampa, time for the awards. Grampa: Did you call the girl from the escort service? Lisa: They said their insurance won't cover you. Grampa: Oooh, that's an onion in the ointment.

Grampa: Old Macdonald had a farm e-i-e-i-o. And on that farm he had a chick, the swingest chick I know! With a wiggle wiggle here and a wiggle wiggle there! Homer: Get off the stage! Grampa: I want to, but I can't!

Grampa: I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit. It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George 'Goober' Lindsay. Bart: Grampa, Matlock's not real. Grampa: Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob if someone cuts it off and mushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin!

Homer: Relax Marge, I tied up all the loose ends before we left. Grampa: Hello? Hello? You have my pills! Hello? I'm cold, and there are wolves after me.

Son! You gotta help me. I hit three people on the way over here and I don't have any insurance! So how's 'bout you?"

Damn buzzards! I ain't dead yet.

Grampa: Quick! We have to kill the boy! Marge: How'd you know he's a vampire? Grampa: He's a vampire? Aah!

Bum: Got any spare change, man? Grampa: Yes! And you ain't getting it. Everybody wants something for nothing. [He walks into a social security building] I'm old, gimme gimme gimme!

Grampa: Come on, lucky seven! Poppa needs a new pair of spats. I want some of that sweet, sweet Do Re Mi. Fat city, here I come! Apu: Please throw the dice now, please, now. Grampa: Don't rush me! I have arthritis. Man: Would the gentleman please roll the dice? Grampa: All right, all right, smart guy. Oh, for crying out loud I dropped one. Oh, now it's in my shoe. Ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! Ow!

Ah , there's an interesting story behind this nickle. In 1957 I remember it was, I got up in the moring and made myself a peice of toast. I set the toaster to three, medium brown. Ooh, I feel all funny. I'm in love! No, wait. It's a stroke. No, wait! It is love! I'm in love! Hot diggety! I'm gonna smooch her like a mule eating an apple! I even bought me some special novelty dentures. See?

I have to pay to see my own grandson? That's the Democrats for ya.

Hibbert: Welcome to the new Springfield Center for Geriatric Medicine. You know, health care for the aging is an important priority in this... Grampa: Get to Matlock! Maaatlooock!

Grampa: I leave these: a box of mint-condition 1918 liberty-head silver dollars. You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in Zeppelins, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen J. D. Rockefeller flying by. So I run of the house with a big washtub and, where are you going? Homer: Dad, we'd love to stay here and listen to your amusing antidote, but we have to take these coins to the mall and spend em! [story continues at the mall] Grampa: Anyway, about my washtub. I just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a walking bird. We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, and yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called baseball.

When I was young, toys were built to last. Look at this junk! It breaks the first time you take it out of the box. And look at these toy soldiers. They'll break the second I step on 'em. Ah! Stupid! Toy! Soldiers! Break, you stupid!

Hey! Watch it with that thing! My skull is eggshell thin.

Ehh, why didn't you get something useful, like storm windows, or a nice pipe organ? I'm thirsty. Ew, what smells like mustard? There're sure a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Oh! Look at that one. Ow, my glaucoma just got worse. The president is a Demmycrat. Hello? I can't unbuckle my seat belt. Hello? There are too many leaves in your walkway.

Grampa: Why are you people avoiding me? Does my withered face remind you of the grim specter of Death? Homer: Yes, but there's more. Dad, I love you, but you're a weird, sore-headed old crank and nobody likes ya! Grampa: Consarn it! I guess I am an old crank. But what am I going to do about it? [sees a Buzz Cola commercial] Holy smokes, that's it! From now on I'm thinkin', actin', and lookin' young, and I'm gonna start with a bottle of Buzz Cola. Oh! Ah! Ow! The bubbles are burning my tongue! Ow! Oh! Water! Water!"

Grampa: Come in, come in. Mayday! I'm losing your transmission! Man: I said french fries! Grampa: What the? Do we sell... french... fries?

Lisa: Come on, Dad. You can make it! Grampa: Aw, of course he'll make it. It's TV.

Grampa: Ooh! Put some Lister's Carbolic Unguent on a wad of cotton, put the cotton it in her ear. That'll stop them shakes. Jackie: No, no. What she needs is a Balsam Specific. Grampa: Balsam Specific?! Oh! While we're burning money, why don't we give her a Curative Galvanic Belt too. Bart: Don't forget to give her Smeckler's Powder. Grampa and Jackie: Don't make fun!

I can't remember when I felt this young. Oh, I really can't!

Grr. That big ape thinks he can muscle in on my girl, does he? I'll show him. I'm gonna give him the frowning of a lifetime!

Aw, who needs her? Now I'll have more time to read things I find on the ground. La...tex...con...do. Boy I'd like to live in one of those!

I first took a fancy to Mrs. Bouvier because her raspy voice reminded me of my old Victrola. Oh, it was a fine machine. With a volcanized rubber listening tube which ya crammed in your ear. The tube would go in easier with some sort of lubricant like lind seed oil or Dr. Shomways... Oh! I'm sorry.

Just eat the damn oranges!

Quimby: And this proposed expressway will bring increased commerce to our local merchants. Grampa: What's in it for us? Jasper: Yeah, give us something we like or we'll ride you out of town on a rail! Quimby: Ahem, well, uh, what do you people like? Jasper: Sleep. Crazy Old Man: Sexy dames, and plenty of em. Grampa: Maaatloock! Quimby: Well, I suppose I could name it the Matlock Expressway.

Homer: OK, don't panic, remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day. Grampa: If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.

Mrs. Lovejoy: [sees the empty collection plate] Everyone turn around and look at this! Grampa: What is it? A Unitarian?

I was the one that canceled 'Star Trek'!

Marge: There are only 49 stars on that flag. Grampa: I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missoura!

Grampa: Welcome home, Son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife? Homer: Never mind, you wouldn't understand. Grampa: Flu? Homer: No. Grampa: Protein deficiency? Homer: No. Grampa: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis? Homer: No. Grampa: Unsatisfying sex life? Homer: N- yes! But please, don't you say that word! Grampa: What, seeeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had sex.

Lemme sell it, you idjit. Step right up, folks, and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle of Simpson & Son's patented revitalizing tonic. Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing, tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising, her prizing, revitalizing tonic.

Hurry up! We've got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to visit: Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid.

You, President? This is the greatest country in the world. We've got a whole system set up to prevent people like you from ever becoming president. Quit your daydreaming, melonhead!"

I'm going to get out of the car, and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive away. Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army training... Dang.

Wow, we must be really flying high! Those people down there look all tiny and blurry, just like the inside of a cataract.

Lisa: You're a member of the Stonecutters Grampa? Grampa: Oh, sure. Let's see, I'm an elk, a Mason, a communist. I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason. Ah, here it is. The Stonecutters.

Homer: So, are you going to say something nice now? Grampa: Well I hadn't thought that far ahead. Oh, Okay, here it goes. I'm not sorry I had you, son. I was always proud... that you weren't a short man.

Skinner: I'm telling you people, the earth revolves around the sun! Grampa: Burn him!

The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets forty rods to the hogshead and that's the way I likes it.

We could use a new pet over at the home seeing as how we accidentally killed that smart mouth bird.

Lisa: Uh, maybe I need to talk to somebody with a little more age and wisdom. Grampa: Death stalks you at every turn! Lisa: Grampa! Grampa: Well, it does. Aaah! Death! There it is. Death! Lisa: It's only Maggie. Grampa: Oh, yeah. You know, at my age, the mind starts playing tricks. So, aaah! Death! Lisa: That's only the cat. Grampa: Oh. Aah! Death! Lisa: That's Maggie again, Grampa. Grampa: Oh. Where were we? Death!

And with that, a mighty cheer went up from the heroes of Springfield. They had brought the sacred tree back to its native soil, and though Flanders was stuck with the impound fee, he could easily afford it.

Marge: Strained carrots for Maggie, strained carrots for Grampa. Grampa: I want a bib too!

Grampa: Hey, the lamp's running away! Bart: That's my dog, man! Grampa: So long, lamp. Now stop loafing and help your Grampa unpack.

Grampa: I'm going to the outhouse. Lisa: We don't have an outhouse. Homer: My tool shed! Oh Dad!

Eh, you never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong.

Homer: We leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them away! Grampa: Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch.

Lisa: Bart! Don't you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die! Grampa: Ehh, welcome to my world!

I'll save Homer! All I needs is four stout men to work the bellows.

Mona: Abe, isn't Homer cute? Grampa: Probably. I'm trying to watch the Super Bowl. If people don't support this thing, it might not make it.

Look at them sideburns! He looks like a girl. Now, Johnny Unitas, there's a haircut you could set your watch to.

FBI Guy: Freeze. FBI. The jig is up. Grampa: Alright, I admit it! I am the Lindbergh baby! Waah! Waah! Goo goo. I miss my fly fly dada. FBI Guy: Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile? Grampa: A little from column A, a little from column B.

Bart: Look at that hunk of junk. Grampa: Oh, jeeh, you're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane. At Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it fifteen miles on a thimbleful of corn oil. Single handedly won us the Civil War, it did. Bart: So how do you know so much about American history? Grampa: I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets.

This elevator only goes to the basement. And somebody made an awful mess down there.

Hey everybody, I'm gonna haul ass to Lollapalooza!

Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions.

Yeah, well, I may not have a fancy black bathrobe and a hammer like Snooty, but I do have slippers and an oatmeal spoon. Look!

Now! Hey, listen! Now, my story begins in 19 dickety two. We had to say dickety 'cause that Kaiser had stolen our word twenty. I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety six miles.

Grampa: Now, I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks to discuss how I invented the terlet. Mrs.Krabappel: Terlet? Hah! Grampa: Stop your snickering! I spent three years on that terlet!

Grampa: Nurse! Someone's trying to kill me! Nurse: Okay, we'll do something about that right away. Let's start by doubling your medication.

Bart: Hey, Grampa, do you think that dead bodies get up and walk around at night? Grampa: If they're anything like me, they have to get up twice.

"ey! The government can't control the sky. What if you lived in a balloon?

Marge: Careful of the apple pie on the seat. Grampa: Uh oh! Marge: Grampa, are you sitting on the pie? Grampa: I sure hope so.

Alright, ya got me. The story of the Simpson family began in the Old Country. I forget which one exactly. My dad would drone on and on about America. He thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Sliced bread having been invented the previous winter.

Homer: Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass on the words of advice my father gave me. Grampa: Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly! If a strange man offers you a ride, I say, take it!

For the love of god, help me! I've been here for four days and that turtle's got all of my teeth! There he is! Come back here you! Slow down! I'll get you!

Shary: Now, as your nanny, I'll do everything from telling stories to changing diapers. Grampa: Put me down for one of each.

Dang right. Fact is, I invented kissing. It was during World War I and they were looking for a new way to spread germs...

Lisa: Oh, Grampa! You're not busy, are you? Grampa: Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Byrd had just reached the pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges ... and I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning, I resigned my commission in the Coast Guard. The next thing I heard, there was civil war in Spain ... and, that's everything that happened in my life right up to the time I got this phone call.

Just don't screw up like you always do.

Marge: Well, Grampa, as long as you're here, we were telling a story that took place when Bart was five and Lisa was three. Grampa: Oh, I know this story! The year was nineteen ought six. The President is the divine Miss Sarah Burnheart and all over America people were doing a dance called the Funky Grampa! Oh I'm the... [falls asleep]

Marge: And so, just as things looked their worst... Grampa: I realized I could make money selling my medication to dead heads! Marge: Grampa, what are you talking about? Grampa: Uhh...nothing.

You're gonna blow it! Ah! That's what I get for having faith in you!

Oh, the pharmaceutical man came and he pumped us full of Christmas cheer!

How should I know? It was your mother's job to name you, and love you and such. I was mainly in it for the spanking.

Brockman: Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf. Grampa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!

Krusty: Hey, hey! Krusty, here to cheer you up as part of the hospital's last laugh program! Grampa: Last laugh?

Oh, wait a minute. The family name is my legacy to you. I got it from my father, and he got it from his father, and he traded a mule for it! And that mule went on to save Spring Break!

Grass today is sharper than when I was a boy.

I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor.

Man alive, what a stinko thousand years. Blimp wrecks, teenagers, then again we had two TV shows with Andy Griffith.

Well, it hurts now, but the senility will take care of that.

I didn't die in World War II just to be pushed around by some pill hoarding hussy. I'm gonna fight this thing!

Grampa: What am I not invited to this time? Bart: A gay wedding, but I can get you in. Grampa: " You can! Is there an open bar? Bart: No, cash. Grampa: Well, I say this whole thing is against nature.

"Gnooooooomes!"

Cyrus: Kamikazes at 2:00! Grampa: Well, I don't usually drink after lunch, but - Oh my god! The sky is filled with that kind of plane that crashes into the boat!

I wish I tried reefer!

You back stabber! And I let you spoon me.

Make me proud, or at least less ashamed.

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